Dear friend

For the longest time, I was never able to find something to do for myself; for my own sake. My intentions are, and always have been, around what I can do for others.

This is a large motivating factor in me trying to get my life together. I strive to better myself so that I may be there for others, so that I can be in a place to be more supportive. I have had multiple people tell me “you have to do it for yourself, not others” - but here's the thing.

I don't see myself worth doing it for. I find little to no value in myself. I've been the cause of a lot of hurt in life, and so my natural instinct is to live with guilt and low self esteem. This is something I've been working through in therapy for quite a while now (almost a year), but to me, I am not worth fighting for. However, the people I care about are. They are worth it. It's the biggest reason why I'm a member of quite a few programming Discord servers. I find value in myself when I'm able to help others; when I can help people solve pragmatic issues in their code.

This is what I've always told myself. I've convinced myself that I am not worth it, and there's little I can do that truly brings me purpose for my own sake. It's always for the sake of others. That was all until midway through January.

When I was younger, I took a few guitar lessons. I never got very far. I felt it difficult to shape certain chords and gave up easily. But in January, I decided to pick it up again. I even had a guitar for my birthday - and this time around has kept me determined to better that skill. I have practiced every single day without fail for over a month now - and I'm starting to be able to memorise a fair few chords. The ones I can play without much thought are: C, Cadd9, D, Dm, E, Em, F, G, G7, A, Am, A6, A7, Bb. That's more than enough to play along with a lot of songs I like listening to, espcially when using a capo.

It's funny. I started learning because I needed to fill my day with something. I needed to build up a routine. I needed something to distract myself from the thoughts in my head. But now, just over a month later, I discovered that I no longer play to be distracted. I play because I enjoy it. On several occassions, I've picked up the guitar simply because I love the sound of it, and I start randomly playing along to any song I feel like listening to.

For that I'm proud of myself. It's the first thing - arguably in my entire life - that I can say I do because it brings me joy. I've finally found positive something that I can truly enjoy that doesn't involve other people.

I found something that's not for you.

I found something that's not for anybody.

It may be small, but I found something for me.