Dear friend

I don't know if you're reading any of this. Maybe you are, I don't know.

Honestly I don't write with the intention that you, nor anyone else for that matter, read it. I write with the intention of putting my thoughts out in the open in a place I can call my own. It's why I have comments disabled on my personal posts and not my code posts – on my code posts I want people to interact, and give feedback, and correct me. But posts like this? This is me. This is my journey. The only one correcting me will be myself, and anyone who wants to talk about any of this can message me privately.

Sounds weird, right? In a way, I'm airing my dirty laundry in public. Sure, when you put things that way it sounds bad. But in my mind though, the reason this exists is because I am unashamedly confessing the complete and total shitshow of affairs that I have going on in my life. I'm through pretending to be someone I'm not, and so here I am - raw and exposed. May the world look at me and see me as I am.

Yet meanwhile, I shut off the world from its advice and its input because of disabling those comments. There could be someone reading my thoughts who has something genuinely interesting to discuss with me and no idea how to do so. Perhaps one day I'll open up comments? I don't really know why I'd do that, it's not like anyone gives a shit about the crap I spew out here. But who knows.

I'll be honest though. Though I don't write for you, I do quietly hope that you read it. It's comforting to imagine that you still care on some level, and want to follow my journey as I get my shit together. Whether it be true or not, that belief keeps me going.

Though I can't talk with you directly, this is - in some way - a way to let you know that I'm trying. I really am trying so very hard. I'm trying to be a better person, I'm trying to rely on others for emotional validation far less, I'm trying to find things with which I can engage to keep my mind from dipping to a pit of total fucking despair.

Tell you what. After you called the police on my whereabouts recently, it seems they're now aware of who I am and have referred me to the social care & housing team of the council offering me mental health support. This will definitely aid my PIP claim, and perhaps help me get a place of my own. That'd be nice, albeit frighteningly daunting having to move out all over again. I'm not quite sure I'm ready to leave this comfort zone just yet… One day soon though. When I am stronger.

I know I haven't been the friend I should have been to you lately, especially in the past year. It's only with these months alone that I've had time to reflect on the type of person I was. One time, near the night everything happened… there was an argument in group chat. I ripped into one of our friends over nothing. You remember it, surely. You tried to calm me down and make light of the situation by calling me an endearing nickname. You know the one. It ends with “bobs”. _{But not the “bobs and vagene” kind of bobs.}

You tried hard to defuse that situation, and yet I fought back because… who fucking knows why? I don't know. I think about that day a lot, and I'm so overwhelmed with guilt and regret over how I lashed out at you and everybody over something so painfully insignificant. I gave you all shit for no reason. I start crying just thinking about it - you were only trying to lighten the mood. I made it worse, like a damn monster. You didn't deserve that.

I want you to know that I really am sorry for everything that happened. Not just in the last few months of 2021, but literally everything. Everything I did to cause you so much unnecessary stress, it's only now that I'm really starting to realise why you took a step back. I would have too, given the cirumstances. One can only take so much hurt in such a short amount of time.

You once told me that what makes people forgive others again and again is their willingness to own up to their mistakes, and be better in future. I never did that. I know I didn't. I'd shrug off everything you told me with a “it doesn't matter, it's not a big deal.” – but it was. It was a huge deal. My actions impacted others so negatively, and yet I completely neglected to consider the fact that I was having such an emotional drain on other people.

After everything that's happened, I can certainly say that things are better. Not on a personal level, my mood has not changed. I'm still struggling really hard here without you. But the way I handle things, the way I treat other people, has changed. I'm no longer lashing out, I'm no longer unloading on people without their consent (in fact I've drastically cut down the number of people I rely on), and I'm no longer giving people shit for nothing. I'd like to believe that version of me is long gone, never to be seen again.

My mental state is in so much disarray right now. All I want is for things to be okay. I don't know if they ever will be, and that notion frightens me more than words can say. I can't put into words how much it pains me to travel this journey on my own. Who can say if you understand what that means? Maybe you do… and if you do, you'll know how much it hurts to go it alone - how much it hurts to wake up each day and how difficult it is to see the point in any of this.

I just hope that in time, you can forgive me for all the damage I've caused. I would love nothing more than for you to meet a new, stronger, better version of me - a version of me I've begun to build up confidence in identifying with as I make so many positive life changes with undoubtedly more changes to come. I'd like to say I'm ready to welcome you back, but the decision is not mine to make. The absolute least I can do is give you the space I never gave you when you asked for it, the space you so long deserve.

In your own time, I am here for you. Always.

Sincerely,

A dear friend.