Dear friend

Recently I've been thinking about how all the behaviour we exhibit towards others is driven by an insatiable need to preserve oneself. This, in a word, is known as “selfishness.”

On its surface, we typically assign this trait to people who openly express their disinterest in others through malicious actions or inaction itself. She didn't buy you a card for valentine's day? Selfish, she was only thinking of herself. He didn't ask how your family was, but talked about his? Selfish, he was only thinking of himself.

But at a much more granular level, the opposite also has innate selfishness per se. Why did you get upset when she didn't get you a valentine's card? Because you value your own experience above theirs. You wanted that card, you wanted to know she cared. You're upset, not her. And if she did buy you one, why would she? Well, she'd say it's because she cares about you of course. But why does she care about you? Because she enjoys your company and your companionship - and would be disheartened to lose it. She'd do anything to avoid hurting you, and ultimately losing you. This is selfish.

And why did you get angry when he spoke about his family, but didn't ask about yours? Because you wanted to talk about you. He didn't think about you - you're the one who's upset. You're prioritising your needs - which is selfish, no?

When you think about it, altruistic behaviour is itself quite selfish. We try to treat others in a way we wish to be treated. There's nothing wrong with that, of course - we all wish to be kind to one another. Society functions better when individuals cooperate and happiness rises. But the only reason to do so, the core justification for it all, is because we wish for others to be kind to us in return. We wish for a kind society so that we - ourselves - can be happy.

I'm obviously not saying we consciously think any of this. It's not as if we prance around saying “I'll buy you a meal if it means you'll like me and approve of me”, trying to accumulate enough points to earn our spot in The Good Place - we're not all Tahani.

But also, we kind of are. We are kind to each other because we want others to feel good about themselves, because we care about them, because we do not wish to hurt the people we love which is ultimately because we do not wish to lose them. This is not an inherent behaviour between humans, it's inherent to the humans we like - the ones we want to keep in our lives. Politicians you disagree with, bullies, arrogant family members, we can quite easily discard the feelings of people we dislike or distrust without any hesitation. And if you think about it you know you've done this. “Fuck them, they can rot in a ditch for all I care.”

The heart of altruism is rooted in selfishness. Which upon first thought is a paradox. Darwin once said “He who was ready to sacrifice his life, as many a savage has been, rather than betray his comrades, would often leave no offspring to inherit his noble nature.” In short: Why would we help others at the cost of our own wellbeing? Evolutionarily speaking, it doesn't make sense. That is, until you consider the fact that the mere reason is because altruism is inherently an act of self-preservation. You save your children in a dangerous situation because you wish for your genetic line to continue. You help a stranger because you wish for others to perceive you as a good-hearted person, which in turn increases your likeability and chances of reproduction.

There are very few situations (in fact, I can think of none) where a selfless act was truly 100% selfless. There's always a motive, even if we're not consciously aware of it in that moment.

Now I'm not a philosopher nor a biologist. I don't pretend to be an expert here. If you're interested in this kind of thing, I recommend reading The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins. He explains this kind of concept far better than I ever could.

This is just some food for thought¹; something I've been pondering today. Welcome to my brain.